Red Vests, Ticking Ice and Bloke-Totes
As we move into the second week of 2012, I hope that your year is full of happiness, good health and ma$$ive prosperity. We’re wrapping up our holiday celebration here in Switzerland. Mitra and Melika left just before New Year (different flight, different days). Before returning to South Africa (and then Lebanon) Darius will teach a seminar at the University of Marburg in Germany. In the interim, he’s preparing his lectures and polishing his research model. Nazy and I really enjoy hosting family visits. We always learn something about the foibles and capabilities of our progeny.
“Progeny, Dan?” Nazy asked. “Isn’t that a little, eh, pretentious?”
“Not at all. We can’t call them kids, anymore. Progeny is...”
“Ostentatious and silly.”
“We had a friend that coined the word ‘Chults’ for situations just like this.”
“Chults?”
“Adult children.”
But back to foibles and capabilities. I’ve already recounted Mitra’s inability to cope with the blue screen that the TV emits while playing music. Darius has no problem whatsoever with blue. But..
“How can you stand that?” Darius asked.
“Stand what?” I replied.
“Your watch is making a racket.”
“Excuse me?”
“It is constantly going tick-tick-tick.”
I removed a cushion that Darius had placed over the watch. I held the watch close - very close - to my (good) ear. I could not hear anything. “Maybe, just maybe,” I told Darius, “it’s going tick tick tick.”
“Dad?” Darius differed. “It’s horrendous.”
Factual insertion: The photo of the watch (at right) makes exactly the same amount of noise as the mechanical watch does when ticking. I am not even convinced that it was ticking when Darius’ complaint arose. (I forgot to wind it that day.)
In every instance during which The Martin Family shares a single geographic location, an official photograph is taken. In fact, many photographs are taken and one is selected to become the featured and framed record of the year. Preliminary photographs have been shared in the last few editions of The Weekly Letter. Everyone’s eyes are open in the one from the tower - but Dan’s nose is overwhelming. The one from Flumsberg (last week) looks nice, but few will believe that Nazy was snow-boarding. Moreover, everyone has seen Dan’s yellow ski jacket, Darius’ blue ski jacket,... We needed a new theme. The family was ready:
“Bubbles, Dad!” Mitra proposed. “I have a bottle of bubble mix.”
“Okay...”
“We need to decide on the colors,” Melika suggested. “I’ll depose everyone...”
“Depose, Melika? I don’t want to be deposed.I like being head of the family.”
“Head of the family?” Nazy asked. “You?”
“I can wear the silk pajamas that I bought in China,” Darius interjected. “And can we buy an octopus for me to hold?”
“That depends,” I replied. “Can an octopus blow bubbles?”
“Forget the depositions,” Melika concluded. “The color theme is black and white.”
“With bubbles.” In order to utilize the best light, we unanimously agreed that the photo would be taken between 10:00AM and 2:00PM. We were assembled and ready at 3:17PM.
“Typical,” I muttered.
“It’s your fault Dad.” Darius claimed. “You decided to get a haircut.”
“No, Darius. Mom decided that I needed a haircut.”
“You could have said ‘No!’.”
“Only if I said it in 1972.”
“1972?”
“Before I was married.”
The 2011 (Bubbly) Family Photo
Being married for almost 40 years, Nazy and I have learned interpret and appreciate subtle hints - most especially during the Christmas season.
“I really want a Red Moncler vest.” Nazy said as she deposited a clue on the dinner table
“Hmm.” I responded non-committedly.
“I think you need a man-bag, Dan.”
“A what?”
“It’s like a purse, but for men.”
“I don’t think that’s me...”
“You can carry your iPad, your keys, you iPhone, your magazine, your change and your wallet. Your pockets won’t bulge.”
“Sounds like a purse to me.”
“It’s very European. It’s very masculine.”
“Aren’t those two contradictory?” I thought.
“A nice leather bag would look nice when you’re walking next to someone in a red Moncler vest.”
“Hmmm.” I replied - aware that Melika had brought a red vest that I ordered on the web.
Christmas morning was exciting. I oh-ed and ah-ed over my bloke-tote and then began to open a huge and heavy package.
“You ruined the entire surprise,” Nazy claimed as I wrestled the package into submission.
“Ruined?” I asked.
“You know what it is because when you went downstairs to get the Christmas Tree stand, you saw the package in storage.”
I thought about that incident. “Now I understand why you acted so strange and miffed. I was just trying to help. This box was in the storage?”
“Yes. And you saw it.”
“I didn’t see it.” Factual Note: I did not see it. “In fact,” I continued. “What is it?”
“It’s an ice-maker.”
This is a wonderful gift. The freezer in the family refrigerator is incredibly small. It easily ices over and it is topologically impossible to place ice-cube trays into the freezer without spilling most of the water. This new machine is already solving all of our problems. I’m sure, however, that you’re wondering about the Red Moncler Vest.
“It’s the wrong size,” Nazy observed. “I need a size 0, this is a size 2.”
Corrective action is now underway. Sometimes 40 years of husbandly experience is inadequate.